I was sitting at my desk, doing my "usual" routine - the seemingly endless loop of "productive" things like email, writing, researching.
Yet, I couldn't shake this restless thought, pounding in my head:
“Is THIS what it's all come to in 50 years on planet earth?”
This year has been a wild ride, to say the least. Choosing to leave Indiana. Packing everything that would fit in a 5x7 storage pod (and selling or donating everything else) to come about 2,000 miles to the other side of the continent. Navigating my husband's health: 4 heart procedures, a neck injury, a diagnosis of and surgery for thyroid cancer, all in less than 6 months' time.
Oh... and I was supposed to be running my business, too?
Something had to change. I felt like I was living under a rock and I was pretty sure everyone was slowly losing interest in anything I had done or would be doing in the future.
Momentum matters. It's what keeps the "marketing machine" moving along. When you lose momentum, or can't capitalize on it when you've got it, things stall, slow down, and you basically have to start all over again.
Or at least it sure feels that way.
Sure, there's that old saw about how people learn by watching you. So there's some truth to the idea that visibility and influence are connected, but visibility for visibility's sake keeps leaders performing for appearances - draining energy, and losing trust in themselves and their teams.
When people believe visibility is leadership, you see things like:
With the rise of influencer culture, this is an easy trap to fall into.
I've been doing deeper work on what I call your Conditions For Success. It's a topic I've touched on in planning workshops over the years. When you know the conditions that set you up for success, it gives you more power to create or establish those conditions for yourself in an intentional way.
Your Conditions for Success aren’t just about energy, tools, or mindset—they include the world you choose to live and work in. Sometimes, the smartest move isn’t more effort, it’s moving toward contexts that naturally amplify your zone of genius or your ability to find success for yourself or your work.
And while I understand that not everyone has the ability to just up and leave where they are for more favorable conditions, the awareness that a better environment may exist is still important.
But in all my time researching and teaching, I missed something critical: identity alignment—how your internal sense of self matches how you act in work, relationships, and decisions (or doesn't). I'm fixing that now, by looking at why people who don't experience success may actually be grappling with Identity issues that we'd never considered before. Call it my own bias, or ignorance, this new research has helped me see just how important our sense of identity is in our sense of accomplishment and feelings of success.
I've known plenty of folks, and heard a number of stories about people who have wealth, power, prestige - all the outward trappings of success - yet they still feel miserable and unsuccessful. It seems obvious now that these folks were some how out of alignment, but I didn't get that it might be an identity issue. Checking all the boxes of "visible" success doesn't always equate to feeling successful or having an experience of success. I never realized that folks who weren't seeing that visible level of success may also be having a similar struggle.
If you're a leader who's stuck on "performance at all costs" you're running up against energetic, ethical, relational, and operational tensions that are likely to break you. You probably feel like you've got to be "on" all the time - or the house of cards will crumble. The research confirms what we already know: high stakes + high pressure + long hours leads to emotional exhaustion, reduced cognitive clarity, and eventually, burnout.
Let me be clear: wearing masks to get through a tough spot in your life or work can be useful. It's not always safe for you to be yourself, out loud an on purpose - especially if you're in an marginalized identity group.
Putting on a happy face when you are going through it can keep your clients or team members from unnecessary worry. But when your internal sense of self is misaligned with your external actions (especially if it's a chronic, continuous state of affairs), it can lead to:
When you can show up and get to be your full self (warts, sparkles, and all, as I like to say), you’re more likely to experience:
There's a TON of research to support this. Research also shows that being able to be your authentic self helps you lead your team members more effectively. But if you focus too much on short-term gains, and less on the long-term well-being of everyone (you, the team, the company), trust erodes and burnout sets in.
I get it. In our current political climate, there are a lot of short-term, immediate fires that need putting out. It's really hard to think about the long-term effects of anything when federal agents descend on your neighborhood and/or start rounding up folks who look like you.
The key is to strike the balance between your immediate need and the long-term vision you have in mind.
It's easy to forget. I sure did.
I was SO focused on getting moved, getting settled, making sure that my partner was healthy, that I had all I could do to see clients, never mind the other demands of my business! I managed to compete season 8 of Creative Freedom and have been faithful in filming for the reality show I'm working on, but there hasn't been much more than that going on for a while because of, well... (gestures wildly through the air) all this "life" that's been happening!
By tuning into identity alignment, you take a first step toward:
When you're out of alignment, trust drops. One look at the political landscape today and you see what I mean.
In a spring 2025 survey by the Partnership for Public Service, only one-third of Americans (33%) said they trust the federal government. Nearly half (47%) said they do not trust it. Further, two-thirds of Americans (67%) believed the federal government was corrupt, and 61% saw it as wasteful. A May 2024 Pew Research Center poll showed similarly low figures, with only 22% of adults trusting the government to do what is right most of the time. An August 2025 U.S. News & World Report survey found that 85% of Americans believe politicians and community leaders care more about their own power than the public's interest.
An article out of Cambridge revealed that When leaders don’t align what they say (visible leadership) and what they do, perceived authenticity and trust drop. This one from ScienceDirect says that your team (your audience) can smell the hypocrisy a mile away. You're not fooling anyone when you're being performative - at least, not for long.
I'd go a step further to say it's not just with your audience, but also with yourself. This sense of self-betrayal leads you to stop believing yourself, second-guessing yourself, and eventually, just giving up on yourself... and your dreams.
Ouch.
When I'm working with clients, we use a 4-step process:
Inside Conditions for Success, the Core Domain is the one that deals with your sense of purpose and identity. These are the things we have the most control over. Notice I didn't say TOTAL control over. We can decide how we want to show up in the world and who we want to be. We can seek to align our identity and purpose in the world in ways that others have little to no direct control over. But we are interacting in the world, and we have commitments, obligations, and identities that are not always going to be aligned with what predominant culture is asking of us. It's then that we have to make choices about where we will or won't compromise.
Those compromises are what set us up to potentially be out of alignment. Again, that's not to say all compromises are bad or wrong - very often they are survival skills. But it's unsustainable to LIVE that way for very long.
If the decision leads to confusion, skepticism, or dissonance in your relationships or team, it might not be truly aligned - or you may have been wearing a mask for so long that people around you don't know how to deal with this "new you". Here are some questions you can use to prime the pump:
“Does this choice come from my core values, or is it a reaction to others’ expectations?"
If you feel a sense of resistance, that’s probably a signal that something is off.
“Would I stand by this choice if someone asked me why I made it?”
If you find yourself holding back explanation or feeling defensive, that’s a red flag.
“Did I consider diverse perspectives, especially dissenting ones, before deciding?”
If you ignored feedback or dismissed counterarguments lightly, the choice may not be fully authentic.
"Am I aware of my motives, strengths, and limitations in this decision?”
If your decision feels reactive, emotionally heavy, or clouded by fear rather than clarity, that’s a sign to pause.
“Will this decision stand when pressures increase?”
If the decision only “works” now but collapses under stress, it may be more performative than authentic.
“Does this choice build or erode trust in me (internally or among others)?”
Because authentic leaders act in line with who they are, their followers tend to see that consistency, which builds trust (source).
When you're looking more closely at your identity, try these:
Journal Freely: Let thoughts and feelings flow without judgment.
You'll start to reveal patterns in your energy, decisions, and relationships. Over time, it can show where alignment is strong—and where external pressures may be pulling you off-center.
The goal is to keep moving closer to your truth. As I said before, total control - perfection is impossible unless you live in a vacuum. But striving for alignment helps you feel more successful in the moment. As I've said many times before, success is a destination and you're already there!
Ever been on a bad date? I mean a really bad date? One that was so bad you felt the urge to write a song about it? Have you ever been the subject of a song about a really bad date?
I’ve kissed a few frogs in my day, but none of them warranted the kind of song that Nile Rogers of the famous music group CHIC wrote back in 1981. He went out with a woman and at some point in the evening, she started expecting him to use his celebrity status for her benefit. The nerve!
This young lady may well be the first person to ever be canceled. Seriously. You may not know her name, but that date was so bad that Niles went home and wrote the song “Your Love Is Canceled” He equated cancellation to the way television shows are canceled. They’re just gone… never to be seen or heard from again.
Boycotting and public shaming has been around for a very long time. But thanks in large part to the rise of social media, Cancel Culture has become a popular tool to villainize celebrity types - even folks that are only famous in their industry. And Cancel Culture Vultures are at the heart of that.
Podcast Show Notes
Inside this episode, we're talking about:
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Theme music: “Big Time” by Ikoliks, Artlist.io
Big hair, neon colors, the Rubik’s cube, and capri pants are all the rage. At a high school in Philadelphia, three kids are trying to start a new musical group.
Instead of using their own names (Grimaldi, Morris, and Nelson), they decide to call themselves “Unique Attraction”. Three more classmates joined their group, eager to bring their R&B stylings to the masses.
This budding group of vocalists worked hard and persisted despite graduations, creative differences, and other changes to the group. They got a big break when they snuck into a concert and crossed paths with Michael Bivins of the newly formed Bell Biv DeVoe.
Talk about perfect timing!
Seizing the opportunity, they did an impromptu performance, which led Bivins to give the group his phone number. Eventually, they called, which led them (eventually) to being signed by Motown Records as the soulful quartet known today as Boyz II Men.
B2M didn’t hit the big time immediately. They got a PHONE NUMBER.
They still had to graduate, for one thing! And practice... and call Michael Bivins... and practice!
This story of not-so-overnight success points to a common problem I find when clients come to me wanting to be the celebrity of their space. Most people think they have a visibility problem - “ooh, I just need to get in front of more people! I just need more eyeballs on my work” and while that may be true, it’s usually more of a capacity problem that’s causing the visibility problem. That's what we're exploring in this episode.
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: If you want help with YOUR capacity, I'm doing a One-Time-Only special event at the end of November. Stop being a best-kept secret and build your custom roadmap to celebrity status in your niche. Join me for the Unleash Your Star Power Workshop!
Inside this episode, we're talking about:
Rising Tide community members can login and access your free downloads here.
Not a member yet? It's free! When you register for the Rising Tide, you also get email updates, the FREE learning library, and access to episode transcripts, worksheets, and more!
Special thanks to our Patrons for your continued support.
Theme music: “Big Time” by Ikoliks, Artlist.io